Permission to Climb Out of the Box

 The proverbial box.  Seems we are all in one in regards to something —tied to tradition, set in our ways, whatever way you want to put it.  The box is not our friend even though it provides a certain amount of “comfort”, doing things the way they have always been done regardless of the fact that doing things we way we have always done isn’t working anymore.

Warning: this might be the most self absorbed post you have ever read.  I apologize but right now I need to be self absorbed.

I am a caretaker - real and imagined.  I inherited the title from my mother who was the family caretaker.  Real?  Yes, I try to be helpful for my family when I can.  I try to not overstep. My husband right now is going through a bit of a challlenge — an viral inner ear infection that has resulted in a case of vertigo.  I have tried to be helpful but now I fear I have wandered across the line of being obsessive and overwhelming and basically, not helpful.  Disclaimer, my husband has not asked me to be overwhelming — in fact, I think he is getting annoyed so I am toying with the idea of backing off.  Can I do that without feeling like I am shirking my “duty”? Hence, imaginary, does he really need me to hover?  I  think probably not but it seems to be what I do.

And I am getting resentful of a situation I have brought on myself.  I am not an overly energetic person - I never have been.  My best time of the day is the morning.  Late afternoon I am pretty much done and by bed time all I want is a sleeping dog, my book and my bed.  Yes, I am a lazy moo. But here, of late, I find myself taking inventory of what I haven’t gotten done FOR MYSELF during the day.  Then I get miffed.

So, I woke up this morning decided to start journaling — on paper — again.  I need to rethink the way I do things.  We have all been brought up a certain way, to do things a certain way at a certain time in a certain fashion.  But, I asked myself, is that a chiseled in marble?  Ok, take tooth flossing, for instance.  I know, gross, but stay with me here. 

In dental assisting school we learned that taking care of dental hygiene before bed is preferable because, while a lot of bodily healing is done at night, a lot of dental drama goes on at night as well so taking care of all that before bed is the best way to do things.  But, for people like me who don’t function well at night, is it better to do the floss dance in the morning or not do it at all?  

The same goes for pleasurable activities.  I was raised to believe that the chores had to be done before fun could commence.  Since, for me, the chores never get completely done (a wise woman once said not to try to get the housework finished because it will NEVER be finished) I never get to the fun stuff.  Again, resentment.  So, would it be better to just allow myself to cross stitch a bit or read some regardless of the state of the chores?  Am I the only one bothered by the constant fluff on the floor from the dog destroyed toys? Probably.

So, today I woke up thinking about the box and how to jump out of it and I think I might have a plan.

I have to let go of the “musts” and the “should haves” and the “why didn’t I’s” and get real.  I thinking getting “real” means doing things when I have the energy and the five minutes to do it whether it fits into the universally accepted schedule or not.  I mean, who makes the universally accepted schedule anyway?  That’s what I’m sayin’.

So, yeah, it is time to figure out a way to not be so hard on myself, to get things done (including, and maybe most importantly, the fun stuff) and to not let the resentment grow out of bounds — time to put myself up there with everybody else in terms of importance with everybody/thing else.  That is a hard thing for me to do as I have always been at the bottom of the list but my physical health and mental stability needs some boosting.  

Ugh, I hate cathartic posts such as this.

I finished a book that I really didn’t enjoy.  It is “Mildred Budge of Cloverdale”.  I thought it was going to be humorous but it wasn’t.  It took a religious slant which is fine for me but then it went over the line of being preachy and too many words.  I know, that sounds ridiculous to say a book has too many words but it did.  So, I don’t recommend.  Sorry author.